The Hospital

As I was saying last week, Rachel and I spent last Monday in the hospital together. During her battle with Death of the Chest aka Bronchitis, she fainted in the hallway and twisted her ankle pretty badly. After helping her to the bedroom, we noticed the melon sized lump in her foot that was the color of grape flavored Gatorade. Obviously, walking became a huge issue for her seeing that anytime she bent her foot she winced in pain. Her fainting spell occurred in the wee hours of the morning which meant I was extremely exhausted and half asleep, making driving impossible for me. As much as I think she needed to go to the hospital, there was no possible way that I would be able to get us there safely and she refused to get an ambulance. In fact, she repeatedly said "no ambulance" for about 5 minutes when we were still in the hallway together. Instead, I forced her to call out of work and we set our alarm for butt fucking early to call her doctor to make her an appointment.

The next morning, Rachel calls at 8 to make an appointment and the receptionist tells her that they are understaffed and she'll have to leave a message for the nurse. The nurse calls back two hours later to reiterate what the receptionist just told Rachel, though reassures her that the doctor wants to squeeze her in since she fainted. After another two hours of waiting for another phone call from the office, the receptionist finally calls back to tell her that she has to go to the hospital since she fainted. Why she couldn't just say that in the first place at 8 makes no sense to me, but that's the way her doctor office rolls.

Rachel and I head to the hospital around 2, check in with the Triage nurse and then at the Registration department and then sit for the next two hours in the waiting area. While waiting, we played Scrabble on her phone, as usual she handed my ass to me, defeating me by about 70 points. She's evil when it comes to playing Scrabble.

After waiting for two hours, a nurse comes to fetch her to take her to the hospital area. Of course, Mr. Nurse Man is walking  sprinting as if he's a marathon, while Rachel is hobbling behind him. Really dude! Apparently the nursing staff spend their days as hospital staff and their evenings as triathlon runners.

They give Rachel a gurney right next to the ambulance entrance, which meant that for the next four hours I got to witness every patient who arrived from ambulance come into the hospital. This included a young guy with tattoos up to his neck on a breathing apparatus, a guy who's arm was wrapped up under his coat, several elderly people, a pregnant woman, a woman who wouldn't stop shaking, a guy with a head wound, and a few other assorted patients whose injuries/ailments I can't even remember.

Rachel was taken away several times for a random assortment of tests, including X-Rays and a CAT scan. During these long trips, I got to people watch in the hospital, which was the equivalent of watching a horror movie. While Rachel was away, I got to witness:

• They wheeled a man out of a room who was under some heavy duty drugs. He was very unconscious with a hospital bracelet on his wrist that read "Limp Amputation." When he was rolled by me, he had all of his limbs so I think it's safe to assume that he was on his way to have an arm or leg hacked off.
• Another patient was wheeled by with an IV in her neck. That's right! In her neck. Ew!
• Two gurneys away from Rachel were two police officers from the sheriffs department chatting with a few of the nurses. The two officers were there for several hours, and it wasn't until Rachel left for her X-Ray that I realized that they were guarding a prisoner. About an hour before we were finally discharged, there was a changing of the guard. Two new officers arrived with a new pair of chained cuffs for the prisoner to be cuffed to his bed. The original set of officers walked by with their pair of cuffs. It was a very bizarre scene.
• The woman next to me had no idea what medications she takes, which I guess is common with the elderly. Her son was with her, who I think I recognized as a Stop and Shop customer, and had no idea what the hell she was on either. Poor lady.
• At the opposite end of the hallway there was a woman who wouldn't stop shaking. I think her gurney was actually moving across the hallway due to her vibrating body.
• Directly in front of us in the hallway perpendicular to us, there was a man hooked up to an IV. He got up once to use the bathroom and I made the mistake of going in after him (same sex bathrooms suck ass). Not only did he pee on the seat, but he also left a bloody piece of gauze on the ground which I almost slipped on. Later in the evening, a doctor wearing surgery scrubs, the surgery hair wrap thingy, and carrying gloves and surgical tools. Before I can fully prepare myself, she whips out her surgical tools and starts operating on the guys side in the hallway. Ugh.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not a fan of horror movies or blood. Hospitals are obviously not a pleasant experience for me, though I have never encountered anything quite like this hospital trip. Then again, a majority of the hospital trips I've been on, I'm usually the patient. I think this is the first hospital trip where I was the support rather than the sickly one. 

During our marathon day at the hospital and Rachel's gauntlet of ER tests, we tried to keep ourselves occupied. One of the games to keep myself preoccupied was the alphabet game, where you come up with something for each letter of the alphabet. Our game consisted of the following:

I'm going on a picnic and I'm going to bring: an apple, bamboo shoots, a Christmas tree, dalmatians, egg salad, Frodo Baggins, golf balls, a hamster wheel, ink, Jen, ketchup, Linkin Park CD, map, Nigeria, octopi, panasomic tv, Rachel in her hospital gurney, a stick, twelve twigs, an umbrella, Veruca Salt, a window washer, Xrays of Rachel's chest, foot, and ankle, a yellow sweatshirt, and a zoologist.

Urban Dictionary vs. Webster 3

Grundle - the area between a man's ball sack and the asshole
Did you mean: grunge, grungy, grunion, grunt, gruntle
Hey! Stop licking my grundle! Its sweaty and smelly and hairy!


Grundle - (definition 2) unkempt, often awkward character who just doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the group
Who's the grundle Timmy brought with him?


Chode - a penis which is wider than it is long
Did you mean: choanocyte, chock, chockablock, chocoholic, chocolate, chocolatier
After that marathon, I had to use an abrasive to remove my chode scum because the bath just didn't do the job.


Crotch Rot - a pungent, stank smell that permeates from the crotch usually after a hard workout, or a lack of a shower for several days, occurs in both males and females
Did you mean: carload rate
She claimed to be from Queens, but her crotch rot indicated Stanktopia was more likely the place of her origin.


Benny - a tourist who visits the Jersey shore from Bayonne, Elizabeth, Newark, or New York (or anywhere near these places). These tourists pollute the beaches and are rude to the locals.
Did you mean: any, benne, blenny, fenny, jenny, Kenny, many, penni, penny
Go home benny! Locals only.

Seven Bizarre Theme Parks

Shijingshan Amusement Park
If you're alive and breathing (and read my Seven Bizarre Disney Facts and Oddities), you probably know something about Disneyland and the plethora of characters you will find there. While Disneyland theme parks have expanded across the glove into several locations such as France and Hong Kong, you may just come across an eerily similar park in Beijing, known as Shijingshan Amusement Park. Just by looking at the park, you can see the similarities between the two castles, but the characters you will find inside look like they've been transplanted from Orlando to Beijing. From Cinderella look-a-likes to a "cat with large ears" that resembles Minnie Mouse, you'll definitely start to think that the park owners may have stolen Disney and other characters. However, the park maintains that all of their characters are based on those found in Grimm's Fairy Tales and are no way associated with Disney or other cartoon characters. However, I think the park's slogan "Disneyland is too far" proves it all.

World Chocolate Wonderland
No, this isn't another Hershey Park away from home; the World Chocolate Wonderland is located in China and its the first of its kind. The park opened on January 29, 2010 and is centered on everything chocolate, in fact, 176,000 pounds of chocolate. From the Great Wall of China to very famous Terracotta Warriors, you'll find several different objects and figures made of nothing but this yummy treat, including a BMW, clothing, and even shoes. All of the exhibits are encased in glass in order to prevent melting (and probably to prevent some sweet-toothed visitor from taking a bite). The park owners created the park with the idea that due to the tough economic times in China recently, the population needed something sweet. You'll also be able to enjoy a fashion show at the park with models wearing nothing but clothing crafted using chocolate.

Haw Par Villa
Located in Singapore, the Haw Par Villa is a theme park based around folklores from Chinese literature. The villa was built in 1937 and was first known as Tiger Balm Gardens and was eventually renamed in 1985 when it was sold to new owners. While once considered an amusement park, Haw Par was revamped and the dragon roller-coaster was removed. Because the park is centered on Chinese folklore, you will find many statues, 1,000 to be exact, dedicated to certain stories, many of them relating to Confucianism. At the park there are also about 150 dioramas that depict several different scenes. While the park seems to have nothing bizarre about it, once you get a look at some of the statues, you definitely understand. you'll find dioramas entitled "Filthy Blood Pond" as well as a scene of blue demons dismembering a chained prisoner. You'll also find the "Ten Courts of Hell" which depict grotesque sights of the many punishments for sinners.

Holy Land Experience
While there's nothing wrong with religion, there is definitely something odd about a theme park based around life during the time of Jesus, the odd part being that the park does reenactments of many events, including the crucification of Jesus. If you're a devout Christian, this park just may take you to Heaven in Orlando, Florida. The park was built in order to allow present-day people to experience life during ancient times in the Holy Land. At the park you'll find a town made to look like olden-day Jerusalem with markets, a Judean Village, a Temple, and even a Garden Tomb that is meant to look like the one Jesus was buried in, as well as many structures that were built to present the architecture and life 2000 ears back. There are also old artifacts that allow every visitor to picture themselves in the life of someone living in the Holy Land.

Grutas Park
Grutas Park is a theme park that really twitches a nerve in your head. Sometimes known as "Stalin's World" and "the park of totalitarianism," Grutas Park is located in Lithuania and is definitely no Disneyland. The park is surrounded by barbed wire as well as watch towers; not the happiest of sights. Founded by Vilumas Malinauskas, the park is home to statues of extremely famous Soviets, including Lenin, Marx, Dzerzhinsky, and even Stalin, just to name a few of the 100 statues found there. These statues were placed in the park after they were dismantled in 1990 after Lithuania gained its independence. To bring in a sense of light-heartedness and child friendliness, the park added a zoo filled with peacocks and ostriches as well as plenty of other animals. I don't know about you, but I never envisioned Stalin and peacocks in the same vicinity.

Love Land
Now, if you thought Freud overdid it when it came to phallic, vaginal, or sexual symbols, you've seen nothing until now; meet Love land. Located in South Korea, the park is literally based around nothing but sex, and was meant to be for adults only, but was eventually demolished before it was even able to open to the public. The whole idea behind the park was to help Chinese citizens "enjoy a harmonious sex life." At the park you'd have found giant statues of penises, vaginas, and statues committing several different sexual acts. While the park was actually built and prepared to open in October 2009, the Chinese government deemed the theme park to be overtly sexual and considered it to be a very negative influence on the Chinese culture.

Memory Village
Another theme park that takes its visitors back into time, Memory Village is one that provides everyone the chance to experience life as a slave. Though not an established theme park, Haiti wanted to create the first theme park revolving around slaves in hopes of educating the public about slavery. Those who visit the park are given the chance to be a participator or a spectator. Those who decide to take on the participating role are given traditional slave clothing and are then mock-kidnapped, chained, and forced to load a mock slave ship. Other participators are "sold" and put on a plantation. After the end of the 12 hour day, participants reenact a slave rebellion and free themselves.

Seven Bizarre Disney Facts and Oddities

Walt Disney's Apartment
Because Walt Disney wanted to ensure that everything would be as magical as possible when Disneyland was being built in the early 1950s, he had an apartment built in the theme park, which was an hour from where he lived in California. Employees would know when he was in the apartment, above the fire station on Main Street uSA, when the light was on in the window at night. To this day, more than 45 years after his death, a light is left on in the window in his memory and supposedly the room has been left untouched. since he passed away. Perhaps Mickey's Ears are not the only things you could ever see at Disneyland.

The Vault
Included in that rigid control of their trademarks in the vaunted Disney Vault. Disney started theatrically re-releasing movies seven years after they were originally released after "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves." Since them, the home movie craze hit and with the advent of DVDs, the Vault is only reopened once every 10 years. Supposedly this is a ploy to get new generations of children interested in the movies. Or like any business, it could just be a way to make more money.

Rigid Control of Trademarks
Years ago, Disney promised that the corporation would sue three daycare centers in Florida for having five-foot tall painted depictions of Disney characters. The characters were replaced, but that is just one example of how Disney holds its trademarks close to the chest. In another case, a Florida couple was sued for a million dollars when they advertised Eeyore, Tigger, and Pooh outfits that they had available for parties. The couple sent the costumes back to the Peru ebay seller, which prompted Disney to say the couple acted in bad faith. No honey for you!

Don't Date Disney
Talk about keep quiet. Disney employees are expressly prohibited from dating other Disney employees, hence Don't Date Disney. A former employee of Disneyland let the cat out of the bag on that policy years ago when the he tattled to "LA Magazine" about his time as Jack Sparrow. Unfortunately, someone took a photo of him and his then girlfriend, an Ariel, and showed it to the higher ups, who were displeased. However, it was going to the premiere of "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End," doing an interview in costume, giving his full name, and the interview being posted online that got his Ears taken away.

Facial Hair
Back in the 60s, long hair and facial hair was considered to be a sign of hippies, which the empire could not afford to be associated with. Hence a policy was born requiring all male employees to have short hair and no facial hair at the theme parks. It took until 2000 for the theme parks to renege on the policy. Now male employees are allowed to have neatly trimmed mustaches.

Hidden Ears
Whether your're at Disneyland or any of the other theme parks, everywhere you look there are Mickey Mouse Ears. And no, not the merchandise ears. From the shape of the pizza to the hedges to the ears hidden in the tiles, Mickey's iconic ears are everywhere thanks to Walt's desire to add to the magic of the kingdom.

Oscars
By the 2008 Academy Awards, Walt Disney's company had been nominated for more than 200 Oscars with more than 50 wins just in films under the Disney logo. Of those films, there are 51 nominations for animated features with 14 wins. With Pixar under the Ears, that amount close to doubles with 13 Oscar wins for Pixar. Disney will likely continue to tack on more wins since it has distributed all the major film releases for Pixar and bought the company two years ago. As for dear old Walt, he holds the record for most Oscars with 22 in regular categories and four honorary out of his 59 nominations.

Seven Facts About Snow

The Colors of Snow
While many think that snow is either white or blue, its 'colors' range from yellow and orange to green and even purple, but snow is actually colorless. According to the National Snow and Ice Data Center, "the complex structure of snow crystals results in countless tiny surfaces from which visible light is efficiently reflected. What little sunlight is absorbed by snow is absorbed uniformly over the wavelengths of visible light thus giving snow its white appearance.

Cold-tolerant algae are small, photosynthetic organisms which grow on snow and ice in the polar and alpine regions. Different strains of algae can color the snow yellow, red, orange, brown, and green. Of course, the snow acquires its color after it has fallen. You may see snow that falls pink, brown, orange, or red, if the air is filled with dust, pollutants, or sand. Orange snow fell over Siberia in 2007 and Russia was covered in pink snow in 2010.

Snowfall Record
If you ever wondered where did the most snow fall in one year, here is the answer. Mount Baker, in the North Cascades of Washington State, holds this amazing record, a reported 1,140 inches accumulated during 1998-1999 snowfall season. It is the youngest volcano of the Mount Baker volcanic region and the most heavily glaciated of the inhospitable Cascade volcanoes. Mount Baker is for sure one of the snowiest places on earth.

Snowfall Record Within 24 Hours
The greatest amount of snow to fall within 24 hours in U.S. occurred in Silver Lake, Colorado in 1921: 76 inches of snow. Another impressive record of 63 inches was registered in Georgetown, Colorado on December 4, 1913. It can never be to cold to snow. Actually, it can snow even at incredible low temperatures "as long as there is some source of moisture and some way to lift or cool the air" (National Snow and Data Center). However, major snowfalls occur in relatively warm temperature climates. If you are curious to know how much snow falls where you live, check out the Snowfall Table provided by the National Climatic Data Center.

Snowstorms and Bombs
Did you know that a single snowstorm can drop more than 39 million tons of snow, carrying the energy equivalent to 120 atomic bombs? 'The Great Blizzard of 1888' was one of the most devastating snowstorms to hit New Jersey, New York, Massachusetts, and Connecticut. The storm dumped up to 50 inches of snow. 'The Great Snow of 1717,' 'The Washington and Jefferson Snowstorm', 'The Long Storm of November 1798' and the 'Portland Storm' are other major snowstorms that struck America.

The Fastest Half-Marathon Run Barefoot on Snow
Dutch daredevil Wim Hof holds the world record for running the fastest half marathon barefoot on snow and ice. He completed the marathon in 2 hours, 16 minutes, and 34 seconds near Oulu, Finland, on January 26, 2007. Hof's stunning abilities to withstand harsh winds, snow, ice, and freezing temperatures won him the nickname 'Ice Man.' By courageously swimming 80 meters under the North Pole ice, Wim Hof earned another Guinness World Record.

The Largest Snow Sculpture
A team of 600 amazing sculptors unveiled at the Harbin International Ice and Snow Sculpture Festival held on December 20, 2007, 'Romantic Feelings', the world's largest snow sculpture. The Olympic Games were the source of inspiration for the staggering 656 ft long and 115 ft tall sculpture. This magnificent 'landscape' was the centerpiece of the festival opened in the Heilongjiang Province, one of China's coldest places.

The Snowflake Man
Throughout time, snowflakes have fascinated many eminent scientists and philosophers such as Rene Descartes, Johannes Kepler, and Robert Hooke, but the man who literally devoted his entire life to showing us the diversity and beauty of snowflakes is American Wilson A. Bentley (1865-1931).

Tall Tales

As a teacher, I have often run into a situation where I have to hide a major portion of my life from my students, mainly that I'm gay. Can you picture how a class of adolescents would handle that situation? Exactly. In a perfect world, my sexuality would not be an issue but seeing that I'm living in a country that is still divided on the issue, I don't want to plunge into those murky waters just yet.

LIE: "I'm engaged to a muscular man named Riki who I met at Gamestop."
HOW IT STARTED: For about a month, Rachel and I had been texting and emailing each other before our first date at the Harrison House. Of course, I raved about the beautiful girl I had met and everyone at school (minus the students) knew that we were about to go on our first date. The day after our first date at the beginning of my last class, Matt, the teacher next to me, comes into class to ask me how my first date was. Of course the moment he left I had fifteen sets of eyes and ears on our conversation and every girl in the class wanted to know about my date. Obviously I'm not coming out of the closet to my class, so instead Riki was invented.

LIE: "I have a younger brother who's retarded."
HOW IT STARTED: Every year, I have a group of students who love to use the word "retarded." It doesn't matter how many times I tell them that I absolutely hate the word "retarded" they continue to use it. After warning my students on more than one occasion, I finally had enough and told them that I had a younger brother who is physically handicapped and I find it offensive when people of all ages use the word "retarded" because it's offensive to me. After telling the students about my imaginary younger brother, they miraculously never use the word "retarded" in front of me again.

LIE: "I'm allergic to alcohol."
HOW IT STARTED: Towards the end of college, I realized that my digestive system was having a serious problem with alcohol. It didn't matter how much I drank or what I drank, my stomach turned inside out within an hour of my first drink. After awhile, I got into the habit of telling people that I was allergic to alcohol.

LIE: "I have an ancestor who signed the Declaration of Independence."
HOW IT STARTED: I share the same last name as one of the signers of the Declaration of Independence. When my class read the Declaration of Independence, they noticed that I shared the same last name as one of the signatures. Of course they had to ask if we were related, so I told them yes. I also explained to them that I didn't like to make a big deal about it since my ancestor died a couple hundred years ago and I wanted to make a different name for myself.

LIE: "I'm Jewish."
HOW IT STARTED: Earlier this year, one of my students became obsessed with calling everyone a Nazi, not realizing the implications of this word. On one particular day, he decided to call me a Nazi. Instead of getting angry or offended, I looked at him and told him that I was offended because I was Jewish. He looked at me with curiosity, not understanding why this would offend me. I then went into a very detailed miniature lesson about the Nazis and all the people persecuted. Needless to say, he never called me or anyone else a Nazi.

LIE: "My grandfather liberated a concentration camp."
HOW IT STARTED: During my student teaching, I had a student ask me what the point of learning about the Holocaust was went it happened a century ago. I wanted to chuckle, but realized that this was a "teachable moment." I could have easily stated that my grandfather fought in the war, but his responsibility was pretty lame. Think about, what would be a more interesting story to relate history to kids, that my grandfather rode on a boat during World War II or that he was involved in a liberation? I'm going with the liberation.

LIE: "My brother is a gay construction worker."
HOW IT STARTED: This one originally evolved during practicum, but I recently used it against my students. A group of boys in fifth grade (I kid you not) were going on and on about gay men are disgusting because they put "their pee-pees in other mens poo-poo holes" and "act like girls". I kid you not, that was their exact words. How the hell do fifth graders know these things? I make it a rule NOT to discuss homosexuality with my students, but I did want the conversation to end. I very politely told them that my brother was a very masculine construction worker. They dropped the subject.

Bronchitis

Last week, I came home from work with what can only be described as the onslaught of Death of the Chest. I could feel the fever emerging due to the amount of sweat pouring off my forehead and down my neck, yet was freezing cold with the shivers. My cough went from infancy to adolescence in about an hour and it was becoming very apparent that I was about to battle bronchitis. As much as I wanted to take off the following day, I knew I couldn't because it was the day before President's weekend and I didn't want to make myself look as if I wanted a five day weekend. Instead, I drugged myself with some NyQuil and went to bed.

The next morning I drug myself out of bed and took some more cold medicine and headed to work. Honestly, I'm not sure how I made it through the day. At the first opportunity, I called my doctor's office and made an appointment for later that night. I came home after work and took a nap, well at least laid down for a couple of hours before the appointment. At the appointment, the doctor prescribes me a Z-Pac and a cough medicine.

For the next 36-40 hours, I have a consistent fever that's over 100 degrees and can't seem to get myself out of bed. By Saturday night, I'm beginning to feel much better but now Rachel is sick. She's developing the Earthquake cough and has a fever that's already over 101 degrees. Within a few hours, she goes from feeling "a little under the weather" to having my nasty-ass bronchitis. She calls her doctor's office emergency number (since the office at this point is closed until Monday) and a doctor calls her back and tells her to get lots of rest.

Rachel has asked politely that I don't mention the name of the company, but I do have permission to attempt to explain the point system at her job. She has 6 call out points and when she reaches the maximum number she is automatically fired. They don't care if you have a death in the family, have a doctor's note, were in the hospital, etc. If you call out you get points. Some days are worth more than others.

• Friday to Monday is worth 1.5 points if you call out 4 hours before your shift or 2 points if you call out less than 4 hours before your shift.
• Tuesday to Thursday is worth 1 point.
• If you call out the day before or the day after your day off then you get more points.

Basically the system means that if Employee A and Employee B both come down with the same illness and Employee A calls out on Monday and Employee B calls out on Tuesday, then Employee A is punished more. 

Of course this means, that everyone comes to work whether they are sick or healthy, spreading their germs around as if they were baby rabbits. Even after the doctor has told Rachel to take the day off and having a 101 degree fever, Rachel continues to debate whether to call out or not. She finally (and reluctantly) agrees to calling out. Throughout the day on Sunday, she doesn't get out of bed. Rachel is not one to spend an entire day in bed, even on a lazy Sunday. Even at her "laziest" she moves to another room to watch television.

As we're about to go to bed on Sunday, Rachel once again becomes plagued with the dreaded dilemma of taking another day off. Her fever hasn't gone down and is showing no signs of letting up, she's got no color in her face, and barely had an appetite during the day, yet is seriously debating on whether or not to take the points and call out two days in a row. Instead of making an immediate decision, she falls asleep.

At 3:30 in the morning, I hear her get up to use the bathroom. Moments later, she starts screaming for me that she's not sure whether she was going to puke or pass out. I head to the bathroom to find her laying on the bathroom floor with her sweatshirt balled up under her head. I was relieved that she had the sense to lay down on the floor instead of passing out on her way to the bedroom. Moments after I sat down next to her, she decides she's ready to head back to the bedroom. We start to head to the bedroom when I see her fainting in slow motion.

I attempt to catch her, but fail miserably. She goes down hard on her ankle but luckily fails to hit her head on anything. I keep trying to get her to respond but she's not having it. The only thing she's managing to say is "No ambulance" and "I need water." After chugging a bottle of water, she looks me in the face and with a dead serious look on her face asks if I can drive her to work because she's not going to be able to drive her car with her mangled foot. I had to laugh, which made her laugh at the absurdity of this question. Instead of driving her to work, I convince her that if she doesn't call out I was going to do it for her.

Instead of going to the hospital that night, we set our alarms for 8, so that Rachel can call her doctor as soon as they open. Of course, her doctor's office is short staffed and gives her the run-around. There are only two doctor's on duty so she has to leave a message with the nurse, who will then see if her illness is serious enough  to fit an appointment in. After waiting two hours for the nurse to call back at 11, she tells Rachel that the doctor would like to see her and that the office will call back when there is an appointment available.

At 1, the doctor's office finally calls her back to tell her to head to the emergency room since she fainted in the hallway. Seriously! You couldn't have told us this information when we called this morning. For the next five hours, we sit in the hospital as she gets an EKG, X-Rays on her foot, ankle, and chest, a CAT scan to make sure are no whiskers growing under her skin, a blood-sugar test, a pregnancy test, a vision test, a hearing test, her temperature taken, and her skin prodded and poked. I lied about the pregnancy test, but they did make her pee in a cup so I'm sure they checked for babies. I would actually be shocked if they didn't check for babies.

Rachel wound up with a sprained ankle (the knot on her foot is the size of a small cantelope) and a nasty upper respiratory infection aka the dreaded bronchitis. The ankle has a lovely splint and a pair of fancy crutches to accessorize the splint with. Of course for me it means I'm now responsible for day to day upkeep of our home (laundry, dishes, vacuuming, feeding the cats, taking out the garbage, cleaning the chain mail room, checking the mail, making the bed, feeding the cats more food, changing the litter boxes, planting flowers, alphabetizing the types of pasta in the house, carrying the groceries into the house, eating all of the rice and beans, and of course cleaning the spare chain mail). Additionally, Rachel cannot drive her car seeing that it's a stick shift and requires two feet. I do not have the capability of driving her car due to a lack of knowledge of sticks in general, therefore we have one car for two people and three cats.

The trip to the hospital is a blog in itself...

Youtube of the Week: George Washington

Blogging and the First Amendment

I haven't been keeping up to date with Owl Stretching Time over the last week or so, mainly putting up random posts about Facebook Statuses and Voldemort. Life has been quite hectic over the last month, between new changes and debates about what needs to be changed at work to finding myself with what can only be described as "death of the chest" the last few days, I haven't had the time or energy to sit down to write anything.

A friend of mine sent me an article last week about Natalie Munroe, who was fired from her job for blogging about her job as a teacher. As a teacher myself, I have always tried to keep my professional life and my instant gratification of babbling about nonsense very separate. As in any profession, there have been many times where I have wanted to sit down on my computer to vent off some steam after a crazy day of classroom antics but I have always resisted the urge. Additionally, I have always resisted the urge to blog about a positive experience in the classroom, even if I felt as if my experience could enlighten others.

Like myself, Munroe also had a blog, which was called Natalie's Handbasket, which was recently taken down after she was fired from her position as a teacher. When I first read the article, I thought it was absurd that a teacher could get fired for blogging about the classroom, even if her off the wall comments were clearly unprofessional. For example, in one of the most last entries on the blog, she wrote:

Also, as the kids get worse and worse, I find that the comments don't accurately express my true sentiments about them. So now I pretty much choose "Cooperative in Class" for every kid (or, in some instances, will speak in other codes. For instance, if they talk a lot, I'll put "is easily distracted" or "talks persistently," if it's a kid that has no personality, I'll put "ability to work independently"). For some kids, though, my scornful feelings reach such fever pitch that I have a hard time even putting "cooperative in class" and have, sadly, had some kids for which none of the comments fit. 

Thus, for this blog, I will list the comments I'd like to see added to the canned comment list, as an accurate reflection of what we really want to say to these parents. Here they are, in no particular order:

• Concerned your kid is automation, as she just sits there emotionless for an entire 90 minutes, staring into the abyss, never volunteering to speak or do anything.
•  Seems smarter than she actually is.
• Has a massive chip on my shoulder.
• Too smart for her own good and refused to play the school "game" such that she'll never live up to her true potential here.
• Has no business being in Honors. 
• A complete and utter jerk in all ways. Although academically ok, your child has no other redeeming qualities.

Her list of desired comments continues further, some quite tame compared to other comments. I'm sure any professional has a moment in which they want to gripe about their job, no matter what field they are in. Though I'm sure they don't all have a blog to post all of their thoughts for the world to see on a daily basis, which is what Munroe did. The major problem with her comments and blog, was that a majority of it was done on school time.

That's right, she wrote and posted a majority of her posts on her school computer while at school. Teachers are already being made out to be the black sheep of professions, no thanks to people like Munroe who decided to post negative and often offensive entries about the students she teaches on a daily basis. Did she really think that this would go unnoticed at a time when technology and the interwebs are at their peak? Someone was seriously lacking judgement, and underestimating how intelligent her students really were.

The First Amendment grants of freedom of speech, which means that any Tom, Dick, or Harry can pay the small fee to buy a web address and create a website filled with lies and deceit. According to the Pennsylvania State Education Association (the Pennsylvania equivalent to the NJEA), "Even though the First Amendment protects your speech as a private citizen on matters of public concern, that speech may fall outside of First Amendment protection if it 'impedes your employer's effectiveness or efficiency, or otherwise disrupts the workplace.'"

In other words, if you post a picture of yourself on Facebook with a bottle of beer in your hands, even if you can't see the label, there is a huge possibility that if the school administration discovered the picture, you would suffer severe consequences.

Facebook Status 13

Status: There are things in this world no book and no amount of teaching can teach you. you just got to learn them on your own.
Comment: Like how to adjust when your pee stream goes to the side rather than straight, which is where you were aiming, and now the toilet paper roll is soaked; and you're at someone else's house, so you have to pull at the pee-soaked paper off the roll and put it in this tiny little trash can; and it's obvious because of the bunch of TP in the little can that something HORRIBLY went wrong while you were in there.
Comment: no, not like that at all.
Comment: wtf
Comment: I am laughing tears out right now! XD

Status: If there ever comes a day when we can't be together keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever - Winnie the Pooh
Comment: Omg I love winnie the pooh he is my most favorite disney character I'm gunna get a tatty of him soon.
Comment: don't do that. Statistically most people with recognizable cartoon character tattoos live in trailer parks, are overweight, and publicly abuse their kids in the local walmart. Just google "winnie the pooh tattoos" or "tweety bird tattoos" and see what pops up. You don't want to be lumped in with those people. You're better than that. I can tell, because you can read.
Comment: On second thought, you did say "tatty"
Comment: Ok...What's wrong with winnie the pooh tatty
Comment: Everything
Comment: I love winnie...He is my fav...
Comment: Yeah, never mind. I think that tattoo would be perfect for you, actually. Just make sure you wear a faded grey Looney Toons shirt when you take your mullet-sporting kids to the Trailer Park's annual back yard wrestling tournament!

Status: Ghandi, as you probably know, walked barefoot most of the time...therefore leading to the gnarly calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, making him rather frail which probably caused his bad breath. This, in result, led him to be super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Ha!
Comment: I heard Mary Poppins moved to LA to research the cosmetic properties of underwater plant life when grown in little skin pods on someone's feet while studying the types of natural minerals on may find in a can of Campbells Chicken Noodle Parmesan...They now call her Soup-ore California lipstick expert algae-toe cysts. I win, because that was original.

Status: has caught a cold hoping its not ammonia blah
Comment: ?
Comment: ammonia where fluid builds up in your lung makes it even worse too breath
Comment: i think u mean pneumonia; not ammonia which is a compound of nitrogen and hydrogen

Status: My mom's my newest friend on Facebook. Sorry everyone. No more status' regarding my proclivity for whiskey and whores.
Comment: Just use code...That is what I do.
Comment: You can restrict her from seeing your friends' posts-that's what I did.
Comment: I like Red's idea of code. I mean, you used it in your status. Like how you used "whiskey" instead of "penis" and "whores" instead of "penis"

Voldemort Tweets

A few months ago, I came across a list of Gary Busey Tweets from his Twitter account that made me want to soil my pants with laughter. It actually made me laugh so hard that I found myself suckered into starting a Twitter account with the sole purpose of following a half dozen random accounts for a quick pick me up after a long day. My recent favorite, has been Lord Voldemort. I know what your thinking, isn't he a fictional character? Apparently not, seeing that he has his own Twitter account and since it's on the internet, it has to be real. Right? The following is a list of some of his recent Tweets.

• Almost Valentine's day. Don't worry if you've been dumped, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Just kidding, the oil spill killed them all.
• "You can't judge a book by it's cover." What? Yes, you can. Isn't that the point? Judge it, and if it says 'Twilight' judge the reader too.
• Punxsutawney Phil is apparently a weather-predicting groundhog that says Spring is coming. Yet people don't believe in magic? WTF?
• People need to stop talking about "Edward Cullen" & start referring to him by his proper name: Sparkly Cedric.
• There is always a calm before the storm. So, that's when you should steal stuff. Then escape while everyone is  distracted by the storm.
• Why is contributing called "putting your two cents in." What you're adding is only worth two cents? You're useless. Shut up and go away.
• Yes, Helena Bonham Carter's wearing different colored shoes on the red carpet. You know why? Because evil does whatever the hell it wants.
• Yes, it's 1/11/11 or 11/1/11. Today is a new day to get things right. I have no doubt that everyone will manage to fuck it up though.
• Whose dumb-ass idea was it to let people drive cars? "Hey, here's an idea, let's put idiots in control of giant, speeding, metal boxes!"
• Bridges burned, lesson learned. What was the lesson? Burning shit is fucking fantastic.
• If you ever feel powerless remember you can take control of any situation. Just make everyone around you feel awkward. Instant power.
• Turns out Mondays in 2011 are the same as Mondays in 2010...they suck.
• There are pictures of Bieber groping Selena Gomez on a boat. Goodbye Cruciatus Curse. I just found a new way to cause physical pain!!
• "Even a broken clock is right twice a day." Yeah, and it's fucking useless the rest of the day.
• Natalie Portman is pregnant. Quick! Put the Darth Vader theme music in tweet form! Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dunnnn!
• If someone tells you that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" it really means you suck & nobody likes having to actually be around you.
• The US & Europe are being battered with snow & rain. Do you see what happens when you pretend Santa's more important than me. DO YOU SEE?!?
• I wish Death Eaters would stop accidentally touching their dark marks in the shower. This is starting to get awkward...
• It's Ralph Fiennes' birthday. There's something about him I really like. I can't quite figure out what it is...
• Everyone should set realistic New Year's goals. For example, my resolution is to continue being witty & devastating good-looking. Done.

Weight Loss Goals

Monthly Goals

• February - Able to comfortably wear the new blue shirt that I had bought for Meredith’s wedding (woops)
• March - Able to once again button the buttons on my amazing blazer
• April - Drop at least one pant size
• May - Able to comfortably wear my red checkered shirt that no longer fits me
• June - Confidence to go to the beach in a tank top
• July - Drop at least one pant size and a shirt size
• August - Drop at least one pant size (rewarded with Back to School Shopping)
• September - Able to comfortably wear my favorite T-Shirts that Rachel stole over a year ago
• October - Able to wear the dragon shirt that I bought for Jackie’s wedding (woops)
• November - Wedding Day

Weight Loss

This week marked the first week of trying to lose weight, which according to Rachel couldn't start until I started to write down everything I ate during the day to see exactly what I was consuming. Talk about a way to scare someone skinny. After five days of consuming my normal diet, I have come to the conclusion that I'm eating an entire days worth of food for two people. No, I'm not pregnant, more like I was consuming close to 3,500 calories in a day. Ugh...

Today is my last day of eating completely unhealthy, mainly because it's the Super Bowl and I cannot justify eating salad and yogurt during the game. Instead, we're are going to finish off the last of our yummy Amish food that we purchased on Friday night (rotisserie kielbasi, Cajun crab meat dip, salmon cream cheese dip, and pretzels) and I will be eating extremely healthy starting tomorrow. Goodbye cookies, hello pears, apples, and yogurt (among other healthier foods).

Of all the foods I'm going to miss the most are my cookies. I wish I could eat cookies every day. In fact, I would eat cookies for breakfast (in a bowl with milk of course), cookies for lunch (in sandwich form) and cookies for dinner (Oreo cookies with a side of Chips Ahoy and Vienna Fingers). I would have to get my nutrients from other sources, such as Vitamins (preferably cookie flavored) and of course milk has lots of Vitamin D in it (I think).

Of course, this isn't a perfect world and while I could justify eating cookies all day long, all those cookies have tons and tons of calories, which will make my gut look even bigger. My gut is a magnet for calories and chubby-rubbyness. Zonks insists that my midsection is her personal kneading pillow, complete with chunky thigh pillow.

I'm throwing all my business out here because I am not ashamed since I have finally come to terms with the chubbiness. Over the course of the next nine months, I'm going to sweat till I drop, cut my consuming in half, and hopefully enter the summertime looking like a very different person. Of course, that will be an added bonus, since the ultimate goal is to drop all this weight in time for my wedding in November.

Instead of looking at the large picture and becoming extremely overwhelmed, I've decided to set myself some mini-goals to motivate me through this project. I don't care how many pounds shed off my skin, I want to be able to fit into some very important clothes.


Monthly Goals

• February - Able to comfortably wear the new blue shirt that I had bought for Meredith’s wedding (woops)
• March - Able to once again button the buttons on my amazing blazer
• April - Drop at least one pant size
• May - Able to comfortably wear my red checkered shirt that no longer fits me
• June - Confidence to go to the beach in a tank top
• July - Drop at least one pant size and a shirt size
• August - Drop at least one pant size (rewarded with Back to School Shopping)
• September - Able to comfortably wear my favorite T-Shirts that Rachel stole over a year ago
• October - Able to wear the dragon shirt that I bought for Jackie’s wedding (woops)
• November - Wedding Day

Urban Dictionary vs. Webster 2

Rim Job - an instance in which the tongue is rubbed in a circular motion around someone else's sphincter.
Did you mean: Ormoc Bay
Steve's getting married next week. He better get all the rim jobs he can now!


Clam Chowder - after a long night of fuck-making sometimes the female may sit on the toilet the next morning and discover an oozing discharge of sperm and other fluids from her vagina; the texture, smell, and taste is similiar to that of chunky clam chowder.
Did you mean: New England Clam Chowder
Becky totally railed four guys last night, and this morning it looked like a cauldron bubbling over full of clam chowder!!!!


Homoblivious - the state of being unaware of another person's overt homosexuality; a lack of gaydar
Did you mean: homocercal; homocysteine; homogametic; homogamy; homoerotic
He was so homoblivous that he didn't know that guy was coming on to him.


Ass Goblin - a small gremlin-like creature who lives in your ass and comes out every half moon to eat crackers, sometimes watching TV and hogging the remote
Did you mean: East Point
Scientists suspected an ass goblin killed the dinosaurs.


Alabama Hot Pocket - the art of separating the vagina lips and taking a shit inside (and possibly having sex with it afterwards)
Did you mean: hot potato; hotchpotch; hotchpot; hokeypokey
Shayna decided her vagina needed some lube so her boyfriend performed an Alabama hot pocket.


Hasbian - a former lesbian who is now in a heterosexual relationship.
Did you mean: has-been; Sabin; Sabine; sabayon; Sabana; Sibuyan; Hispano; Ispahan; Hispania; Saipan; husband; Sabellian; Spain; subline; Espana; sibling; slubbing; sea pen; subhuman; sapling
For a period of six years she lived as a lesbian and had several relationships, now she is simply a Hasbian.


Heteroflexible - a person who identifies themselves as primarily heterosexual but can find the same sex sexually appealing.
Did you mean: hetero; heteroatom; heterocercal; heterochromatin; heteroclite; heterocyclic; heterocyst; heterodox; heterodoxy
Jake swears that most of his fraternity brothers are heteroflexible once they've chilled with a few beers.

Lincoln vs. Kennedy

Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy were both tragically assassinated during their terms in office. Kennedy and Lincoln were both admired by many but hated by those opposed to their political views. After the assassination of President Kennedy in 1963, a comparison was made between the life and death of Lincoln and Kennedy. The comparison pointed out some amazing coincidences (and sparked one too many conspiracy theories).

• Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846; Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
• Lincoln was elected President in 1860; Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
• Mary Todd Lincoln and Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis both lost a child while living in the White House.
• Lincoln and Kennedy were directly concerned with Civil Rights.
• Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy who told him not to go to the theater; Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln who told him not to go to Dallas.
• Lincoln and Kennedy were both shot in the head in the presence of their wives.
• Lincoln was shot in Ford Theater; Kennedy was shot in a Lincoln made by Ford.
• Both Lincoln and Kennedy were shot on a Friday.
• Lincoln's assassin, John Wilkes Booth, was known by three named comprised of fifteen letters. Kennedy's assassin, Lee Harvey Oswald, was also known by three named comprised of fifteen letters.
• Booth shot Lincoln in a theater and fled to a warehouse, while Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and fled to a theater.
• Booth and Oswald were both killed before being brought to trial.
• Lincoln's successor was Andrew Johnson, born in 1808. Kennedy's successor was Lyndon Johnson, born in 1908.
• There are many conspiracies that Booth and Oswald were part of a greater conspiracy.

Seven Abraham Lincoln Facts

Lincoln Under-Utilized his Pockets
Lincoln's stovepipe top hat severed as more than just fashionable head wear. He used it to store and carry notes, letters, and even bills. Why do they call it a stovepipe hat? Well, the rise is so tall and straight with no flair that it resembles a length of pipe. They're hard to come by nowadays, the traditional tp hat being much more current, but still pretty "retro."

Lincoln has No Living Heirs
Despite the fact that the marriage between Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln yielded 4 sons, there are no living heirs. Three of the four sons died before their 20th birthdays: Edward died at 4 years of age, Willie at 12 years, and Tad at 18. Robert was the only child who lived into adulthood and his last descendant died sometime in the 1980s.

Lincoln's Son was a Death-Magnet
Robert Lincoln was sort of a magnet for tragedy. More specifically, presidential assassination tragedy. While he was not present when his father was killed, he was an eyewitness to Garfield's assassination, and at the same World's Fair where McKinley was assassinated. Another interesting fact about Robert, he was saved from a train accident by Edwin Booth, the brother of his father's killer, John Wilkes Booth.

Lincoln was Kind of Psychic
In the weeks before his death, Lincoln was extremely melancholy. He had seen portents of his own death, and had been dreaming of death as well. On one occasion, he looked in the mirror and saw a double reflection, one image much paler and blurrier than the other. He told his wife that he thought it meant that had survived his first term, but wouldn't survive his second. The week prior to his death, Lincoln had a dream of hearing crying in a distant room of the White House. He sought out the room and found that it had a coffin in it. He asked the weeping person who had died and the person responded that it was the president. In his dream, Lincoln looked into the coffin and saw himself.

Lincoln Dabbled in the Occult
Not only did he get premonitions, he also believed in the occult. Well, if he didn't believe then he was at least willing to go along with it. After loosing Edward and Willie at such young ages, Lincoln and his wife actually held seances in the White House trying to contact their dearly departed. Mrs. Lincoln also attended seances at the homes of famous mediums of the day. Whether or not they made actual contact is unknown.

Lincoln was Spiritual, not Religious
Despite the last two facts, Lincoln said he was still a Christian. He didn't, however, feel it necessary to subscribe to a particular brand of Christianity. Though many different sects try to claim him, Lincoln was 100% non-denominational. He never joined a church, didn't say grace before meals, and spoke on a more spiritual level, rather than religious. He did read the Bible quite often, and did have a highly developed spiritual governance. When asked if he thought the Lord was on the side of the North in the Civil War, Lincoln responded, "I am not concerned about that...But it is my constant anxiety and prayer that I and this nation should be on the Lord's side."

Lincoln had a Way with Words
Not only was Lincoln spiritual and intelligent, he was also a heck of a speech writer. He wrote his own speeches, and it is said that his famous Gettysburg Address wasn't even the best one! Rumor has it that the speech Lincoln made to the Illinois Republican Convention on May 29, 1856 was his best, but it was either so enthralling that nobody remembered to take notes or it was so controversial that nobody was allowed to print them. Either way, no record of it exists.